It’s up to the people involved in the relationship to decide what’s going to work for their relationship. It has nothing to do with other people who aren’t in that relationship.
It’s okay to try different styles of relationships to see which is most agreeable for those involved and this can change throughout the duration of the relationship.
It’s okay to desire and it’s okay to not desire. There is no right or wrong – only different perspective.
Communication and slowness are essential!
Communication is a verb, a practice and a constant state of being (in communication). Communication is far more than one conversation.
Consensual Non-Monogamy or Polyamory have the potential to work when there’s a rock solid foundation and an abundance of love within the primary relationship, and both people desire to bring more aliveness, love and pleasure into their partnership.
Monogamy can be the ideal choice for those in the process of establishing a new “primary relationship”, for those still establishing a rock solid foundation of love and understanding, and for those who have brought children (little people) into the world, Monogamy can provide a consistent, safe and secure foundation for those little people to create, develop and expand into who they’ve come here to be.
An open relationship should not be pushed. There’s no space for narcissism. Unconditional love is not unconditional tolerance. No one benefits when people are forced to stretch their values. The conversation needs to be explored in a mature and safe way with no agenda to avoid conflict or hurt. Agreements, boundaries, desires, fears and reassurance are the focus.
No clarity creates chaos!
Trying to “fix” a relationship that isn’t working by being intimate with other people does not work.
It’s important to do your research.
Many people are attracted to Non-Monogamy or Polyamory because they think that it’s going to bring an increase in sex/intimacy “action” and a variety of partners. What any form of open relating really means is a dramatic increase in emotional processing, communication, adjusting to different needs of different partners, scheduling (especially important when there’s a primary relationship) and many other considerations beyond having sex.
Jealousy is a human emotion that is triggered when one person feels that the resources in the relationship are not evenly divided, and that they feel threatened by an outside person that has come to absorb what they need. They are afraid of losing something they have or won’t get enough of what they need. Relationships need time, attention, affection and all types of intimacy – physical, emotional and spiritual.
True consensual non-monogamy is disclosed, and is founded on equity and fairness. Everyone has power, control and agency, it’s empowering for all. It’s love based as opposed to fear based, and trust has space to breathe. If there’s fear, it’s going to be exhausting. You must have the ability to communicate your truth, your feelings and emotions, your needs and desires, approaching with slowness and communicating if there’s a need for a pause and regress to not put your nervous system, or your partners, into a state of shock/trauma.
For some people, the ability to feel more affection and love for more people enhances all of their relationships. For others, they can feel so compartmentalised that they can only concentrate their attention on one person at a time.
Differences need to be taken into account and the couple should seek counselling from a Therapist who can help.
When in any style of relationship we are constantly students to ourselves, to each other, and to the relationship. Both, or all people need to be working shoulder-to-shoulder with each other.
Some questions to consider –
-What is it that I love about this person, what am I attracted to?”
-What do they love about me?
-Is there part of myself that’s craving attention or validation?
-Are they craving attention or validation through me?
-Is there part of myself that’s not feeling whole?
-Are they trying to feel whole through connecting with me?
Relationship can feel like a prison or the launch pad of your evolution. If your relationship doesn’t feel like the latter please do get in touch to see how I can support and empower you in connecting to more love, intimacy and pleasure.