The Silent Harm: Staying Friends with a Perpetrator of Intimate Partner Violence
When someone you know has been violent toward their intimate partner, maintaining that friendship can carry serious implications—not just for you but for the broader dynamics of accountability, justice, and social norms around intimate partner violence (IPV).
Understanding the Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence
Intimate partner violence is a serious issue where an individuals primal boundary has been violated by their intimate partner. It can take many forms, including physical harm, emotional abuse, coercive control, and financial manipulation. Survivors often face intense physical and psychological consequences, including fear, trauma, depression, problematic levels of rumination, anxiety, shame, embarrassment and difficulty trusting others.
Abusers rely on various forms of power to exert control over their partners, and often their behaviour persists because they face minimal consequences. When their social circles fail to hold them accountable—or worse, implicitly support them—it can reinforce their sense of entitlement and diminish the severity of their actions in their own minds.
Abusers and Manipulation
Abusers are often highly manipulative, using charm, half truths, lies and calculated displays of remorse to forge a favourable image and deflect accountability. When confronted, many abusers will fake guilt, promise behavioural change and maybe even claim that they “love” the victim/survivor in an effort to salvage their reputation and relationships. These performances are designed to minimise the consequences of their actions, rather than to genuinely address and seek individual ongoing professional support for their abusive and violent behaviour. When we truly love someone we care about their safety.
Some common manipulative tactics include:
⁃ Downplaying the violence: Framing it as a one-time mistake rather than a pattern of violence, control and harm.
⁃ Blaming the survivor: Giving half truths, lies and suggesting that the victim provoked the situation.
⁃ Playing the victim: Presenting a distorted version of events and portraying themselves as suffering unfair treatment to elicit sympathy from others.
⁃ Seeking pity: Highlighting their own struggles and sadness to gain pity and shift attention away from their actions.
⁃ Making empty promises: Suggesting that they’ve received support without recognising that their repeated violent behaviour stems from deep cognitive behavioural issues and complex childhood trauma that needs ongoing support from a trained professional.
This manipulation can make it difficult for friends to recognise the severity of the violent abuse and respond appropriately.
The Power of Perspective
When deciding how to respond to a friend who has been violent toward their partner, it can be helpful to ask yourself:
⁃ What if the survivor were my family member? Imagine the person that had been assaulted or abused is someone you deeply care about, like your daughter, sister, mother, or best friend. How would you feel if someone in their life continued supporting the abuser or allowed the abuser to avoid accountability?
⁃ Would you be comfortable knowing that the person who hurt your loved one was still accepted in their social circle without facing consequences?
⁃ What message would this send to the survivor? Consider how your actions might affect the survivor’s feelings of safety, worth, and justice.
Shifting your perspective in this way can make the situation more personal and help clarify the right course of action.
The Message of Continued Friendship
Remaining friends with someone who has perpetrated IPV sends powerful, even if unintentional, messages:
1. To the abuser: It communicates that their actions are forgivable or inconsequential, which reduces their motivation to take true responsibility and accountability.
2. To the survivor: It signals that their pain is secondary to the abuser’s comfort, potentially compounding their feelings of isolation and betrayal.
3. To society: It perpetuates the normalisation of violent and abusive behaviour by failing to challenge or condemn it.
How to Respond
If you find yourself in this situation, here are steps to consider:
1. Educate yourself about IPV: Learn about the dynamics of abuse and its impact so you can navigate the situation.
2. Have a direct conversation: Confront the abuser about their behaviour. Let them know that violence is unacceptable and emphasise the need for them to take responsibility and seek the ongoing professional support they need.
3. Be cautious of manipulation: Be mindful of insincere displays of guilt or promises of behavioural change. Look for actions, not just words.
4. Support the survivor: If you have a relationship with the survivor, offer compassion, listening and encourage them to seek support from trauma informed professionals to process their experiences and regain a sense of self-worth. Rebuilding self-esteem after IPV often requires time, effort, and support. When survivors surround themselves with supportive people, healthy relationships, therapists, friends and community, they don’t carry the heavy weight of depression alone.
5. Set boundaries: If the abuser refuses to take true responsibility and accountability, distance yourself. This sends a clear zero tolerance message about the seriousness of their behaviour.
6. Speak out for accountability: Within your social circle, challenge attitudes that excuse or downplay IPV.
Referring to Trained Professionals
It is important to remember that dealing with intimate partner violence requires professional expertise. Abusers need very specialised and ongoing intervention to address the underlying causes of their behaviour. As a friend, your role is to encourage the abuser to seek ongoing individualised and specialised help from a clinical psychologist who is trained in cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and Schema therapy.
Support Services in Australia
If you’re concerned about the abusers mental stability, refer them to suicide prevention and mental health services:
⁃ Lifeline Australia: Call 13 11 14
⁃ 1800RESPECT (National Sexual Assault, Domestic and Family Violence Counselling Service): Call 1800 737 732
⁃ Men’s Referral Service (For men concerned about their behaviour): Call 1300 766 491
The Bigger Picture
Staying friends with someone who has been violent with their intimate partner is not a neutral act—it has real consequences for the survivor, the abuser, and society. By refusing to excuse or enable abusive behaviour, you help challenge the normalisation of IPV and create a culture of accountability.
Most importantly, consider the survivor’s perspective as though they were your loved one. Choosing compassion, justice, and accountability over comfort can make all the difference in creating a world where violence in intimate relationships is not tolerated and survivors feel supported and safe.
