Through the Abusers Eyes: Exposing the Mindset Behind Justifying Violence

Many abusers minimise, justify, or deny that behaviours such as shoving, pushing, grabbing, throwing, squeezing, or intimidating are acts of violence, and fail to recognise these behaviours as forms of violence and assault. 

This mindset often stems from a combination of factors, including:

1. Cultural and Social Conditioning: Some people grow up in environments where these behaviours are normalised, or where “violence” is only recognised as extreme physical harm (like hitting or punching). This limited understanding can lead to the denial of milder forms of physical aggression as abusive.

2. Dismiss, Minimise and Deny: Abusers often dismiss, deny, or rationalise their behaviour by downplaying its impact. They might think and/or say, “I didn’t hurt them badly,” or, “It wasn’t that serious,” to avoid accountability or to preserve their self-image.

3. Sense of Entitlement: Many abusers believe they are entitled to control their partner, and physical intimidation or unwanted touch is just a “normal” way of asserting dominance in their view. They may not recognise consent as a boundary that applies to them.

4. Ignorance of Emotional Impact: Even if the actions don’t cause visible injury, these aggressive behaviours instil fear, undermine autonomy, and create an unsafe environment. Abusers who don’t empathise with their partner’s experience fail to see this as being harmful.

5. Manipulation and Gaslighting: Abusers often use tactics to distort reality, attempting to make the victim/survivor question whether their actions are truly abusive. For example, they may say:

“I was just trying to get your attention.”

“This is just how my body reacts.”

“You’re too sensitive.”

“You’re overreacting.”

The Psychological and Emotional Impact on Victim/Survivors

While the abusers mindset is often rooted in denial and justification, it is crucial to acknowledge the psychological and emotional impact on the victim/survivor. Victim/survivors of abuse often experience emotional distress, including anxiety, depression, and fear. The constant tension and unpredictability of abusive behaviours can erode their sense of self-worth, leaving them feeling powerless and trapped. This can lead to chronic stress, exhaustion, and PTSD. The emotional scars from abuse often last long after physical injuries have healed, making it essential for victim/survivors to receive support in rebuilding their sense of safety, autonomy, and mental health.

Expanding the Definition of Violence

Violence and assault include any unwanted physical contact, coercion, or intimidation, not just obvious injuries. Many legal and psychological definitions include these subtler forms of harm because they violate personal boundaries, instil fear, and are part of a larger pattern of control. While cultural influences may shape an abuser’s mindset, these factors do not excuse them from responsibility. True accountability requires acknowledging harm and taking genuine action to change.

Breaking the Cycle

Awareness, education and conversation are key in challenging these distorted beliefs. Programs on healthy relationships, consent, and accountability can help abusers recognise the full spectrum of violent behaviours. It is the abuser’s responsibility to acknowledge and unlearn their harmful behaviours, regardless of their misconceptions.

These violent behaviours cannot be defeated with willpower, abusers needs ongoing individualised and specialised support from a clinical psychologist who is trained in cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and Schema therapy. This is not about blame, it’s about transformation. Accountability is a path to healing and healthier relationships.

Calling out violent behaviours doesn’t create conflict, it creates clarity and helps break the cycle of violence. By exposing the thought processes behind violence, we empower change. Initiate conversations with people, especially abusers, about violence. Ask for their opinion about domestic violence, what does it mean to them, and how do they think we can create a world where domestic violence doesn’t exist.

Collective Responsibility: Transforming the Matrix

While individual accountability and education are vital in addressing violence, it’s equally important to take a stand for collective change. Schools, workplaces, and communities must promote awareness regarding healthy relationships and consent from an early age, creating a culture where violence is not tolerated and respect is prioritised. By cultivating collective responsibility, we can break the cycle of violence and create environments where victim/survivors feel safe, supported, and empowered to speak out, while perpetrators are encouraged to take accountability for their actions and seek the professional support they need. Only through collective change can we create a world that’s free of violence in all its forms.