Empowering Change by Distinguishing Between Healthy and Abusive Relationships

Relationship books and experts often say that both people are partly responsible for what happens in a relationship – and this is true in a healthy relationship. An abusive relationship is not a healthy relationship. Failing to understand the difference between what is healthy and what is abusive is a key error that prevents people from experiencing the relationships they truly deserve.

A healthy relationship is characterised by mutual respect, trust, and open communication. Partners support each other emotionally, work together to resolve conflicts, and maintain a balance of give-and-take. Both individuals feel valued and heard, and their boundaries are respected. Love in a healthy relationship nurtures personal growth, allowing each person to pursue their own goals while also building a strong partnership. There is a sense of accountability, equality, and teamwork, with both people contributing to the well-being of the relationship. Conflict is resolved through effective communication, not manipulation, defensiveness, denial, or aggression. In a healthy relationship, both individuals are introspective and regularly self-reflect on their behaviour, taking responsibility for any patterns that may interfere with harmonious connection.

In contrast, an abusive relationship is marked by power imbalances, control, and manipulation. One person uses tactics such as emotional, physical, or psychological abuse to dominate or diminish the other. Communication is often one-sided, with the abuser dismissing or invalidating their partner’s feelings and perspective. Trust is shattered, there’s fear, anxiety, and a constant sense of “walking on eggshells”. Instead of feeling like a team, one person feels isolated, devalued, and afraid to speak out or assert themselves. The abuser may also use tactics like gaslighting, threats, and intimidation to maintain control, leaving their partner trapped in confusion, anxiety and despair.

An abusive relationship distorts the core values of a healthy relationship, denying both people the love and respect they deserve. Without recognising the signs of abuse, individuals then tolerate unhealthy relationships, dismiss warning signs, or even justify abusive behaviour as normal. This contributes to a culture of denial, where abuse is minimised or hidden, and people feel unsupported or misunderstood when they seek help.

When failing to recognise abuse, many people stay stuck in an abusive relationship believing that the battles they face are just a “normal” part of a relationship journey – something to work through or overcome in order to reach a deeper level of connection and union. The idea that the abuse is just a phase or something that will ultimately bring you closer is not only misguided but dangerous. Abuse is not a healthy or normal part of any relationship. It is a tactic used to gain control, manipulate, and harm, and it does not lead to greater intimacy or unity. A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, trust, and support – not fear, domination, control, coercion, or pain.

A couple posing with smiley faces on social media does not reflect genuine happiness. Many people who are abused are very resilient and will do their best to hold things together, believing they have the power to change their partner’s abusive behaviour. They mask the pain they’re in while enduring the chaos, hoping something will shift so they can enjoy a brighter future. Just like waiting, hoping and praying for a rainbow during the storm. But we cannot mask the truth of what’s really happening, this facade gets tiring.

Without a clear understanding of what a healthy and respectful relationship is, individuals lack the tools to navigate their relationships safely or recognise when they are in an abusive situation. This confusion can prolong cycles of abuse, making it harder to break free from unhealthy patterns and build a culture that actively challenges abuse. A world free of abuse requires not only awareness of harmful behaviours but also a collective commitment to recognising, confronting, and dismantling them. This cannot happen if society fails to understand the critical difference between what is healthy and what is not.

If you’re in an abusive relationship, please know this: you are not alone, and help is available. You deserve respect, love, and safety. Abuse and violence are never your fault, and you do not have to tolerate it. Support is available for you. No one deserves to live in fear, to be manipulated, or to feel diminished. Abuse thrives in the shadows, and when we fail to distinguish between abuse and love, we allow toxic patterns to persist. But we can change this narrative. Abuse and violence are always a choice. You have the power to choose differently, for yourself and for others.

By recognising what true respect, trust, and equality feel like in a relationship, we can empower ourselves and others to choose better. You are worthy of a relationship where your voice is heard, your boundaries are respected, and your growth is nurtured. Abuse is not normal, and is never acceptable. You’re stronger than you think, and your journey to healing starts today.

Action Steps for the Abused:

1. Reach out for help: Contact a support hotline, a trusted friend, or family member. You do not have to navigate this alone.
2. Safe spaces: If you’re in immediate danger, find a safe location to go – such as a trusted friend or family member’s house or a local shelter.
3. Seek a therapist: Seek a therapist who can help you navigate your situation, educate and empower you to recognise your worth, and guide you toward a safe, healthy future. Healing is possible, and you are worthy of it.
4. Support group: Join a support group that specialises in reconciling, uplifting, and empowering people who have been abused. Many of these support groups consist of people who have recovered or are in the process of recovering from abuse and/or violence. You are not alone and these groups help rebuild your strength.
5. Create a safety plan: If you are in immediate danger, develop a safety plan for leaving the situation or seeking refuge. 

Everything has its time and process, including your healing. You are worthy of love that empowers you. You are not responsible for someone else’s abusive behaviour. Take action toward healing and moving on to a brighter future. This is your time to reclaim your life.

Action Steps for Abusers:

1. Acknowledge your actions: Take full responsibility for the harm you’ve caused. While the actions of an abuser are never justified, many have experienced trauma or have unresolved matters that contribute to these harmful patterns. While there is never an excuse for abuse or violence, taking responsibility for one’s actions is the first step toward healing.
2. Seek a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist: If your behaviour involves patterns of violence or control, it’s essential to consult a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist for ongoing support to address any underlying mental health issues, trauma, or personality disorders. Seeking professional help is just the beginning; true change requires commitment to ongoing self-reflection and consistent therapy sessions over time.
3. Behaviour change program: Participate in a certified domestic violence intervention program to learn how to build healthier relationships. These programs are designed to help individuals unlearn harmful patterns and understand the impact of their actions.
4. Stay accountable: You cannot defeat abuse patterns with willpower. Commit to regular sessions with a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist, a support group, and have a trusted person to monitor your progress and keep you accountable. 

Your actions can change, but it requires honesty, effort, discipline and consistency. Genuine change requires a consistent effort and self-reflection, not just initial therapy or programs. Abuse is never acceptable, and taking responsibility for your actions is the first step toward healing.

The Importance of Long-Term Commitment to Change

For both the abused and the abuser, self-reflection and a willingness to learn are vital. For the abused, this self-reflection will highlight issues around self-worth, boundaries, and personal empowerment. For the abuser it reveals deep rooted insecurities, feelings of inadequacy, or past trauma that has manifest itself in harmful ways, including controlling, manipulative, or violent behaviour. For both people, true healing and change come from a continuous commitment to understanding and breaking harmful patterns. People who seek the right professional support and are open to learning move on to healthy, loving relationships, while those who remain arrogant, dismissive or resistant to change stay stuck in cycles of power, control, and abuse.

Preventing Abuse: A Collective Responsibility

Don’t think that because abuse or violence wasn’t part of your family system, it won’t make its way into your life. Don’t wait until one of your loved ones is affected by abuse or violence to take action toward disabling abusive behaviour. Start by initiating conversations with family, friends, and within your community about what constitutes abuse, assault and violence. Educate others about the signs of unhealthy behaviour and promote healthy relationships that are grounded in respect, trust, and equality. Stand firm in the belief that everyone deserves love that lifts them up, not tears them down. We can dismantle beliefs and thought patterns that perpetuate abuse while cultivating a culture grounded in self-reflection, empathy, accountability, and mindfulness. We can create a world where presence, respect, and healthy relationships are the standard, not the exception.

Support Services in Australia

• Lifeline Australia: Call 13 11 14
• 1800RESPECT (National Sexual Assault, Domestic and Family Violence Counselling Service): Call 1800 737 732
• Men’s Referral Service (For men concerned about their behaviour): Call 1300 766 491